Why why why?

I am currently at a very ‘interesting’ phase in my life where I feel like I’m floating. It has been over 10 months since I graduated with an MA in Media and Communications and since then, I have been without steady work and income. It is important to note that this is not for lack of trying. My plan for 2021/2022 was to take some time off work, go back into the educational system, feel like a student again, make new friends, enjoy new experiences and come out with a brand new degree and several job prospects. But as it turns out, 2023 is a rather difficult time to be on the job market.

Numerous applications and comparably fewer interviews later, it goes without saying that this process has dealt heavy blows to my confidence and my evaluation of my competence. The job market is incredibly challenging to navigate at the moment and as someone fresh out of a course, it seems even harder. In this period of applying and getting rejected or not even hearing back, I have spent the majority of my time wallowing.

The most common advice I have received throughout this time is that ‘you must take advantage of all your free time’, as if my constant worrying about finances and my perceived capability are not all-consuming. I have now come to understand that the advice often came from a good place and was never intended to make me feel even lower, but for the longest time, I really struggled to receive the message as intended. At least not until now.

I came to the realisation recently that I am headed for a future filled with regret. There are so many creative interests that I wish to pursue but I have been unwilling to begin, a largely subconscious hesitation that is fuelled by my fear of failure.

So, people telling me to seize this opportunity to be personally productive is them saying ‘I have been here and looking back, I should have done more for me.’

Recently, I read an article by Psychologist and Writer Adam Mastroianni entitled ‘You can’t reach the brain through the ears’, where he talks about how as we grow older, we fortify our minds to protect our values and beliefs from attacks but the flipside of this fortification is that it also prevents us from absorbing useful wisdom.

It is a great article and you should check it out. All this to say that when people advised me, I couldn’t imagine how they felt when they were in my position, I could not fully grasp their regret and as such, I could not receive the message as intended.

All in all, I have created my website for 3 main reasons:

• I want to build something
• I want to share my very varied interests
• I want to share my writing

Consequently, this website will force me to write more, to publish my fiction as well as document my evolution. I intend to use this first article as a reminder of why I even started out to begin with. Building is hard, creativity is not devoid of hardwork and I intend to embrace this very humble beginning.

Isn’t it interesting that for the longest time, I preferred to offer up my opinion only when asked, I hated the idea of writing down my ideas because I was horrified at the thought of people knowing what was going on in my head and now, here I am creating some sort of repository of my thoughts and experiences. 2020 Chinwe is cringing hard.